#tablefor8

It’s hard to process all of my thoughts this morning. Partly because I haven’t had coffee yet but mostly because I’m so overwhelmed with joy. Our minivan is officially full (don’t worry we have a 12 passenger if you’re looking for a ride) now that Avery has made his debut. I couldn’t be more proud to be a dad than I am with six beautiful kiddos. Beyond their sheer good looks (Thanks Thiele!!) I’ve been humbled to see them rally around their little brother. The sweet hugs and kisses are consistently making my eyes well up with tears. The good kind of course! There doesn’t seem to be a way to describe how powerfully our family has chipped away at the ugly places in my heart and brought real, tangible, transformative change. God has been so faithful in his care of us and gently opens my eyes to fresh perspective consistently. There isn’t any love greater than his and yet I feel like I’m bursting with love of my own for my family. It’s humbling to think of how great and wide and deep it is. The last few days while we were waiting for his arrival it was quite the experience in public. Five crazy kids, one very pregnant woman, me, and a partridge in a pear tree. We spent the last few days out and about trying to get gravity to do its work while being constantly reminded that our culture doesn’t see big families often. “Are those all yours”, “Do you have a TV”, and “Are you going to be the next duggars” are some of my favorite comments. To be honest it’s mostly the stares that get me. Eyes so wide I can almost see their souls. It used to bother me but I’ve mostly moved past that (with some exceptions). I’ve learned that it’s an incredible opportunity to connect with people and an easy conversation starter. My favorite part is seeing the kids connect with people and build relationships. It sounds crazy but people tend to remember us because they don’t see big families often. We went to Goodwill over the weekend and I decided to go in with the crew (thrift stores sometimes give me anxiety so I’m usually in the car 😂). Before we entered Alyvia was saying that she hoped her favorite cashier was there! As soon as we walked in my girls were behind the cash wrap giving Chiquita a hug and asking her about her day. The stares from the line of people let me know that this was indeed a spectacle for some. Personally, I was humbled by the connection they’ve clearly made with a stranger they see every couple weeks. When we left Thiele was telling me about how her family had been unable to get out of Houston a few weeks before and other stories they’ve shared. I continue to be humbled by the opportunities my family has seized to connect with people when they cross paths. Those moments remind me of what is truly significant. Now just a few days later we’ve transformed from a family of seven to a family of eight. The joy in my heart is overflowing (now if someone could overflow my coffee...) and I’m encouraged by my grandma. I can almost hear her voice whispering to me and telling me stories from her childhood in Newfoundland while my sisters and I sat with baited breathe. I can see her on her lawn chair while we ate fresh green beans from grandpa’s garden and swung on the monkey swing. I can see her laughing while we played hide and seek in the yard dodging her hanging laundry on the line (and see her face when we knocked it down). I know she knows what I’m feeling because she had eight kids of her own. She knows the immense joy, the privilege and all the difficulties too. She was only able to meet two of my six and she couldn’t have seemed prouder. I want to live fully alive like she did and I have the opportunity to. My coffee is empty and I desperately need more so those are some of the circling thoughts in my heart. I’m so humbled by the transformative blessing God has provided for me in family. I cannot wait for more memories, more laughs, more connections, more struggles, more real life. This is it and I’m planning to live fully alive. Please ignore any spelling or grammatical errors or relay them to a Jessica Galvan.

Decade One ✔️

The first time I met you seems like only yesterday. I can still remember the look on your face and the grip of your hand. Earlier that night we'd been constantly shushing grampie since it was the middle of the night and others were trying to sleep. That was a losing battle until your mom stepped in toward the end of her labor with a more serious request for him to leave (😂). Everything changed that morning and you inspired me to live better. God also revealed a new perspective of just how much he loves us. Despite random strangers and even close family/friends comments (judgements) that we were babies ourselves we found ourselves ready for the challenge. We did our best to trust God's writing. After all he does tell the best stories. We spent your first winter in Grand Rapids before taking the big risk of moving to Chicago the following spring. Seventy-five percent of your first decade was spent tearing up the city streets. You knew all the parks, all the burger joints, and obviously all the dessert places. You made friends from neighborhood to neighborhood since we always found ourselves having to move each year. You survived cold winters by sledding down staircases in the backyard or by not leaving the house. You built a community there and led the charge. Everywhere you went you made someone smile with your infectious joy and servant heart. That much remains the same yet so much else has changed. It really started to become evident in the final year of your first decade. Your independence began to blossom and you shined even brighter. I love watching you love on your family and friends. Your heart is so big and so kind. You see people for who they are and not what they've done. It makes me so proud. I hope you never stop rocking those quirky dance moves or laughing uncontrollably until you snort. Keep loving other people and don't lose sight of the one who loves you the most. He holds you in his hand and shapes you to be exactly who he created you to be. He will do anything for you. I believe he has incredible stories he wants to tell through your life. Stories of transformation, hope, and the truest love. Cheers to decade 2! I love you Lyvi Lou.

The pages tell a story

Last week business carried me away to the desert and I spent three days in Phoenix. My first ever experience in any desert area was last June and it was 112 (dry heat or not that is stifling). Between the oppressive heat and almost total lack of anything green I wrote it quickly off my list of places to visit. Now, less than a year later I've been there in every season and had the opportunity to experience neighborhoods, mountains, and so much food. I've come to the realization that, like everywhere else, there are trade offs to doing life there. I've also come to the conclusion that it's kind of awesome there (kind of). 

Whenever I visit I try to stay close to Tempe/Scottsdale so I can catch up with my cousin who lives there. This trip I stayed at The Moxy and man does it make me feel old as dirt. Check-in happens at a bar, there are always club beats blasting in the lobby and nostalgic games/paraphernalia scattered in every nook and cranny. As I sat in my obnoxiously millennial hotel room last week I filled the last page of my journal. It felt incredibly sobering to pen the last page of a small notebook that carries years of life stories. Especially because it holds immense gaps where I found myself wandering in and out of complacency. I began writing in that journal in 2011 and the worst part is that from 2012-2015 there is almost no content. A startling picture of other facets of my life. 

The years of internal wrestling and the devastation of personal relationships left me guarded and inhibited in my approach to life. I wasn't taking advantage of life but instead letting it pass by. So as I penned the final page in a five year recording of life events, desires, and struggles I felt an incredible sense of motivation. The future awaits. 

After almost a year back in Atlanta I'm finding myself healthier than I've been in years (not necessarily physically, lol). I feel like I'm walking out of a deep slumber with so much promise on the horizon. He has called me out and brought me up. Reminding me of all the ways he never stopped pursuing my heart and in fact was developing a true dependence on him. His love has been the greatest gift and is shaping my perspective to everyday life. It's a moment by moment adventure and I'm often sidetracked and inconsistent but the adventure carries on. I feel alive and I'm starting a new series of  memories I'll someday look back on. I'm trying to live fully alive and he is guiding me along the way. This morning the first page of a new chapter was recorded 🖊

An adventure awaits!

There is a weight to so many decisions in life and seemingly endless consequences but also a great opportunity for adventure if we're open to it. As the immense pressure to find a new home (11 days left here) sits heavily on my back I'm strangely embracing a peace I cannot describe. This was not the case last week as my poor family had to endure my stress induced reactions to everyday life. As a man, as a husband, as a father, I can't help but feel like everything needs to workout perfectly or I'm somehow failing. It's the curse of our need to control every detail and never show weakness or failure. It's a lie and it must be let go. The truth is we're in this together and even bigger than our family the storyteller is weaving in another example of his faithfulness and deep love in our lives. Will we trust the chapter He writes?

The reality is we've never been without. Far beyond our basic needs every detail has always been planned for and provided (and certainly not by me though I've tried (and failed) too many times to count). So now I sit here in His presence and wonder what incredible example of love will we witness? How great a story will we have to tell our grandkids? What adventure lies ahead if we're willing to surrender? 

And so I surrender my anxiety and my need to be in complete control, embracing uncertainty and all the adventure that awaits. As the flowers of spring burst signs of new life so we will move toward something new. Another Generous family move and more fireside stories to share with the next generation. Stories of His great love and all the things he's faithfully revealed as he makes everything new. 

Can you hear the whispers?

When you grow up in the Midwest it's easy to wonder why the seasons start and end dates were decided as they were. There are many March birthdays I remember with snow on the ground or the occasional snow storm into April yet March brought the introduction to spring. Now as an Atlanta transplant and someone who travels regularly around the country for work these dates make significantly more sense (outside of the Midwest and Northeast). 

Over the last few weeks in Atlanta all of creation has been coming back to life. It began with the earliest bloomers in late February sprouting the most poignant pink blossoms amongst the brown back drop. 

This was just the beginning. As if part of an orchestra with each plant knowing exactly when to put forth their part, other trees began to show signs of life and the music was deafening. Within three weeks all sorts of awakening had taken place and the presence of new life was undeniable. 

It was around this time that I entered into a new decade in my life. Optimistic in the possibilities of life after my twenties I set off on a new workout regimen (that's what adults do, right?) now thirteen days later I can share that habits are forming and real life is happening (obviously not just because I'm running). He has shared plans with me through the whispers and groans of his creation as it awakens. He's invited me to join him on his quest. 

If you know my wife (and you're blessed if you do) than you may know she's a bit of a hippie and a firm believer in mind, body, and spirit health. She's always teaching our family little ways to engage with vegetables or eliminate chemicals we had no idea were present. She's also someone who regularly points to faithfulness and love of Jesus. I'm sure she'd never admit it but the way she lives is one of the most true signs of Christ I know. She is selfless and humble, patient and kind, she listens far more than she speaks and her heart is in tune with the Spirit. I can't imagine my life without her. 

So on this adventure sparked by the deepest longings of my soul and met by the presence of my creator I am amazed at how he is at work. It's evidenced in the awakening of everything around us. Can you hear it? Who do you think tells the flowers to reveal their beauty and the bees to begin their work? The signs of life, power, and sovereignty are undeniable. His kingdom is fast at work, restoring every facet as originally intended and inviting us to take part in the greatest redemption story. Will you join him where he leads you? Can you hear his whisper? He longs for your participation and loves you deeply. 

⏰ 30

I don't think anyone refers to decades in their own life until the exit of their 20's. For me, this officially happened today. A decade doesn't seem like enough time to summarize all the life I experienced from 20 - 29. In many ways I can't believe that I'm 30 years old but in others I feel that I must be 45.

I still remember my 20th birthday party at the Sexy Lexy in Detroit (this was our building's nickname just to clarify). Shortly after, Thiele and I were visiting family in northern Michigan jumping on trampolines with our niece. We had no idea it'd be our last weekend as two. During the next week Thiele came flying into my work and asked if we could talk. We stepped outside and I learned that we were expecting. This was the first truly defining moment of the decade. It was a challenge to step into or run away from. Many people were shocked, sad, and angry but it wasn't their decision and so we carried on. By the end of the 9th month of my 20th year I met the most incredible little lady, my Alyvia Alexa Elizabeth (the rest of the tribe came every two years like clock work). 

We stayed in Michigan for a short time after our little lady made her debut but Thiele and I already had plans to live in Chicago. In April of 2007 we set off for a tiny apartment at Belmont/Paulina for way more money than we could actually afford. Of course we then struggled to put things in place and at one point I found myself pawning my DVD collection (which honestly I feel was wise since I'd get nothing now). God showed up in undeniable ways and provided for our every need. By the end of the summer we'd become pretty connected to a great community of believers and found ourselves participating in a church plant by early 2008. The community we experienced for the years after the plant remain defining relationships in my life and a picture of how God intended people to engage. 

For the middle of my 20's there was a constant rhythm. New kids and new friends and lots of running (some would argue alternating dogs). There was also a major hurdle. Our friend group was rocked by the pain and sorrow of another couples divorce. It had a ripple effect in our church and caused so much devastation in it's wake. For many it was hard to overcome for a long period of time and our church had a difficult time moving past it. For me, the proximity was too close and it tore out a piece of my soul. I didn't respond by turning closer to Jesus but instead kept him at arms length which begin many seasons of doubt and unrest. 

In part of my running we moved across the country to Atlanta. The food was too good but I spent the entire time comparing every restaurant, every commute, every person I met to the people I loved in Chicago. My heart posture was not healthy and comparison never leads to building up. Instead of engaging I found myself judging people and making excuses why I couldn't be friends with them while the rest of my family settled in and engaged in new relationships. Needless to say my wandering heart tore us back to Chicago for a second chance. 

It didn't take long after our return to realize life didn't stop in our absence. Even though I stopped making new friends in Atlanta it seemed all of my friends in Chicago had moved on. I couldn't bear my miscalculation and so continued to keep everyone at arms length while I reacclamated to city life. As usual, my beautiful wife wasted no time re-engaging and building new friendships all around our neighborhood. The kids started school and I took up biking to work (most of you know that outcome 🗞). It turned out much better than it began and I wouldn't change any of it now. 

Flash forward to the last year of my 20's and we find ourselves back in Atlanta. This time I'm applying the learnings of the decade and loving it here. We're up to four kids, two dogs and an ice cream thief. The kids continue to challenge me as they grow up and I'm so proud of who they're becoming. Our relationship helps me better understand all the ways God is pursuing, caring and loving me which is literally changing my life. The 20's were full of so many memories I'll cherish forever and so many defining moments that have shaped how I follow Jesus now. Here's to the 30's which are looking too good and the delicious breakfast I was served in bed!!

When the mountains speak!

We woke way too early for a Saturday and I scrambled to pack breakfast and a few snacks for our 4.3 mile hike to the top of Blood Mountain. I've been dying to go and was really excited to take just the boys on an adventure. In a very groggy manner we settled into the fun bus and set off for the wilderness. 

I'm thankful that there are so many places to explore within an hour drive of our house. Did I mention the Appalachian trail starts that close to my house? Outdoor activities are endless. The whole drive Azariah continually pointed out the "frosting" that was everywhere. Our first meaningful frost or "southern snow" was beautiful as it topped the outdoor surfaces. When we arrived to the trailhead it was a balmy 31 degrees but we were prepared (thank God for all the cold weather gear we accumulated in Chicago). We bundled up in winter jackets, hats and gloves and hit the trail. 

As with every trail I select I ignored the difficulty rating and thought were "men" so surely it won't be too much for us. It's such an arrogant and prideful thing to think. At the head I briefly glanced at the map and saw that we had to switch trails to get to the summit. Within the first quarter mile we had to cross a 20' creek on few and far between rocks. I realized here Azariah would have to ride on my back in the Ergo (nothing like a 38lb moving object to carry up a 1500'+ ascent). Anderson was fearless and we ventured on and up the trail. 

After about 35 minutes we made the first ridge and were faced with a trail crossing. There were only two labeled; the one we came from and the freedom trail. I remembered the freedom trail going to the summit from the initial map glance so we went that way. Before proceeding Anderson said "dad, I think we're supposed to go this way" to which I replied " no, the freedom trail goes to the top (which it does, for record). 

We continued on along the ridge which provided the most incredible views of the surrounding mountains. By this point, with the lack of foliage and the height we could feel the sun and it was warming up. As our path narrowed we began crossing numerous natural springs, adult size boulders and down trees. It was glorious! Even better was Anderson's attitude and perspective. He moved along with awe all over his face as he asked about the world around him. Thiele had found an old pair of binoculars from my first ever Detroit Pistons game and he wore them as a badge of honor. Every two hundred feet or so he'd gaze through them and point out something from a neighboring mountain. What I loved most was that he always came back to "can you believe God created all of this"? 

There's nothing like seeing faith in your children. It's an encouragement that cannot be explained. We continued on talking about all that he's created and all that we've been given. It was a moment of real life where the insignificant faded out of view. Around this time Azariah wanted back down so I insisted he could if held my hand. Yeah right! But we pressed on and eventually stopped for a snack. I check my phone for the first time and realized we'd been on the train for 1hr 45mins and hiked 3 miles which concerned me. The trail to the summit is only 2 miles and shouldn't have taken this long. We continued to enjoy our snacks and together decided to begin the trek back. Sometimes it's important to remember your own limits. It reminds us that we're not as in control as we claim to be and points to our sustainer. 

The descent was incredible. I'm always amazed at how the change in perspective provides so many differing views. Our favorite was a neighboring mountain with a wall of glistening rock where water was rapidly pouring down. Six miles later we found ourselves back at the car having ascended and descended over 1500' around boulders and creeks. We quickly realized we hadn't used a bathroom in three and half hours and hurried off. 

Although the we never made the summit. Our day was full. The blue ridge and the majesty of wandering through mountainside was enough for us. We each learned something about ourselves and our limits. But not just limits also about our strength and where it comes from. It was a trip I hope my boys remember and one I can't wait to share with their kids. 

Midnight Uno Sessions

Have you had the chance to sit outside a closed door where laughter is erupting through the cracks? Between each giggle I can hear the popping of a childhood favorite, the game of Trouble. As I sit downstairs watching TV and listening to my daughter and her cousin I'm thrilled by the memories they're making. My cousins and I had so many opportunities to bond and I love witnessing my kids do the same. 

Some of my favorite memories are playing Uno around my Aunt Mary's dining room table at 2:00am with my cousins. By that point we had already indulged in pizza, Greek salad, and at least one Starwars movie. Between hands my cousins constantly fought over which New Kid on Block was each of their boyfriends. The weekends were epic! 

As a parent I think one of our biggest desires is to share the things that have been meaningful in our own lives with our kids. To facilitate opportunities to experience the same joys and store up similar memories. It's been so long since those Friday nights but I still remember the conversation, the laughter and most of all the real relationships. I can see our younger selves embracing life and sharing it with those we loved. As an adult we long for these types of interactions but we're so distracted. 

Technology has enhanced so many aspects of our lives. It has revolutionized how we engage but if we're honest it has also set us back. Late night board games have taken a back seat to constant scrolling and nonexistent conversation. So as I listen to the nonstop laughter of my daughter and my niece I pray that we would wise up. That I (and you) would be smart enough to prioritize and daring enough to miss out on our FB news feed. It seems risky but what if I wake up one day and realize that there is a thirty year gap between my last real engagement.

How many potential memories are we missing each day? How are our hearts being altered in a way that doesn't build us up? We were meant to be together. To laugh with someone else and to shake our fists as the other person exclaims "Uno". We were designed for relationships. I'm thankful for my children, who consistently bring me back to things that have long term value. 

Now for the irony of posting this on social media...

No wifi = Blog

Flying through the sky without internet is the perfect time to reflect on the week and process all that's happened. For this reason, I was ok when our flight attendant announced "You're going to have to survive one hour without the internet" (alright I admit there was a moment of sheer panic). 

I'm on my fourth flight of the week but the good news is two of those were vacation flights. Thiele and I had the opportunity to fly away to Southern California Saturday through Wednesday and it was incredible. We arrived in LA Saturday and took our time leisurely strolling down the coast to see our Chicago friends in San Diego. There's nothing quite like sand between your toes, salt water crashing against your legs and mountain views in the distance (I get the SoCal thing now). California dreaming is a real thing (side note: why are all my favorite places so expensive? #goodtaste). I loved having the time alone with Thiele to decompress and talk with less than normal interruption. Traveling with only the baby proved much easier than the day to day with all five (though I definitely wouldn't trade it). 

There's something about vacation that inspires us to dream and dream big. Without the day to day I think we're more honest about what we really want and our hearts confess their truest desires. Not desires to do nothing forever but dreams of what life could be like if we pursued our real passions and how we could grow if we were willing to take a risk. It's easy to keep doing what we've always done and pursuing our dreams is one of the greatest risks so we keep on keeping on. 

Not only is it a calculatable risk to pursue dreams but we live in an age where we can quantify everything. We all have gold stars in developing a risk assessment and can persuade ourselves to never be adventurous. I don't think all of our technology and education has moved us that far forward. It has definitely enhanced our comfort but I fear it limits our fullest potential. It prohibits our willingness to take risk. When we were in the wilderness without access to the internet we were wandering, exploring and forced into a state of adventure. 

One of my favorite parts of the trip was our time in Joshua Tree Nat'l Park (if you haven't been, GO!). It's one of the most bizarre places I've ever been! The stark contrast between the high and low desert are awe inspiring. There are so many things that aren't logical. So many random types of vegetation that are able to survive in the most extreme climate. So many questions come flying out of your soul as you soak it all in. It's healing and inspiring and I believe it stirs up new vision. 

Without the distraction of constant communication (if we can really call it that) we were free to talk and engage in real conversation. We were encouraged to engage. Reveling in the wonder of creation we articulated our deepest desires and I believe we're closer because of the honesty that was drawn out. It was quiet which gave us an opportunity to be still and ponder. And be close to our creator. 

True exploration is riveting and I believe one of the greatest desires of our heart. Time spent wandering through canyons and scaling rock walls brings me great joy but it also reminds me of my deep need for real relationships. There is a sense of purpose and a desire to live a life that has meaning. The chance to see what was previously unseen (by us) gave Thiele and I the chance to connect in a new way. I loved every second of our trip and learning more about my favorite person. 

She is a woman of the most noble character. Her heart is wild and free. She has strength I cannot explain and a desire to serve others that I envy. I love time alone with her because I always have a new level of respect and a deeper love for her. She lives in a way that builds others up. She is fearless in the way she offers love to others and she listens like no one I've ever met. Hearing her heart and finding our shared passions continues to unite us moment after moment. The moments are not all perfect but what's perfection anyway? I think it's just something we've developed to put ourselves above others and distort reality. 

Here I am, trying to store away all the memories we made on our trip. The places we saw, the food we ate (BTW, eat at Mendocino Farms in LA), and more the experiences we had together. A spider as big as our fist came crawling across our path when there was no one else in the same part of the desert (there was screaming! You decide who it was). The time we spent with dear friends walking along the bluffs, overlooking the ocean, and reinvesting in our friendship while catching up on lost time. The dreams we discussed for our family and next steps to move forward. The time we spent marveling at the way the waves faithfully crashed in at our feet. It was a trip to remember and fuel to move us forward. Not only a time to recharge but a time to adjust direction and pursue risk. I'm so thankful for our time to wander together in Southern California.

It's a boy!

It's hard to believe that it's been six months since Adrian became part of our family. I remember the events of the night like it was yesterday. Our whole family was crowded around the TV watching Americas Got Talent and Thiele was having mild contractions. After a few weeks of mild Braxton hicks she was confident this was just another false alarm (even though she was over a week late). By the time the show was ending I could tell tonight was the night (by the fifth time you know). We tucked the kids in bed and I told Thiele she needed to call the midwife. She declined while brushing off the pain. 

I didn't back down this time and insisted she called the midwife. I told her I was going to the store for snacks and if she didn't call I would when I got home. It was 8 o'clock at night when I left for Trader Joes. By the time I got home 20 minutes later the contractions were intense. Thankfully Thiele had called her midwife team and they were on the way. 

Even though we'd had four kids at this point, it was our first home birth experience (which I HIGHLY recommend). The midwife team showed up and labor progressed quickly. By 9:40pm our newest Generous came barreling (literally) into the world. He came with a speed that was unknown up to this point and set a record for the shortest Generous labor, coming in at under two hours. By 1 o'clock in the morning it was just our little family (or big depending on your vantage point) and the midwife team had left. We sat and marveled at the new life that laid in our arms. Even at number five it was a brand new experience. 

My favorite part of being a dad is that no two kids are the same. Within the first seconds of life you can tell they are their own person. A personality begins to emerge and it develops every day after. Six months later I'm so in love with this little man. His smile is infectious and he's so good at bringing us together. I love watching the older kids step up to care for him and the younger kids laugh at his antics. He's added a new layer of awesome to the mix and I can't imagine life without him. 

She wears strength on her sleeve

The only sounds in my living room are that of the dishwasher and the howling winds whipping through the trees outside. All seems quiet, peaceful and in its place. Each of the kids are tucked away in their beds sound asleep and even the dog has nothing to say. I'm amazed that I survived an evening on my own with all of the kids. 

Over the last few weeks I've been traveling so frequently I hardly recognize the feeling of my own bed. It's been exhausting for me personally but tonight I realized, in a tangible way, how exhausting it must have been for Thiele. Day in and day out she has powered through alone and endured the crazy that is life with five kids. 

Within five minutes of her departure the noise level had reached a decibel I can't describe. A chain reaction of screaming set off from one child unto the other as they mourned the departure of mommy dearest. Thankfully my eldest one maintained composure so it wasn't a complete horror scene. 

We quickly scrambled to get dinner done and everyone fed before running out the door to get Alyvia to dance class. After dropping her off I thought it would be easiest to stay out since I'd have to pick her up in two hours. In a moment of pure genius (or insanity) I drove toward Target. Why do I always end up at Target? 

On the drive to the store both of the middle kids fell asleep (the painful result of no naps) so I bribed them to come inside with the offer of dessert (take notes, this is real parenting). In case you don't know those under 12 get a free cookie every day, adding to my genius idea. We headed to the hairspray aisle (for Thiele of course) and they were out. In a momentary rage I decided "I hate Target" and left. With another hour and a half until pick up we went to the library. 

As new residents it was thrilling to get a library card (On a side note, why is that? Do people even check out books anymore?). It started off so well, three kids on foot and Adrian safely in the Ergo. How quickly peace turns to chaos. By checkout time Adrian was screaming and my youngest was running around bookshelves laughing. We (I) slunk out the door with our books in hand and headed back to the dance studio. 

After all the bedtime hoopla of tooth brushing, potty and more crying they are all asleep. I'm exhausted; mentally, physically and emotionally. Knowing my limits I am now enjoying a glass of wine celebrating the incredible strength of my wife. 

When we met we were babies and then we became bigger babies and then we had babies. It has been remarkable to see the strength she had inside come outward and the impact it has had on our family and those she meets. Recalling all that I've experienced in four hours doesn't touch her everyday reality and yet you'd never know. Her strength comes from somewhere else and it's evident. I'm so thankful to wake up next to her everyday. 

Cheers to you Thiele Rachel!

That time I had no depth perception...

After 84+ hours alone with three of my five kids they are ALL still breathing. A moment of true victory in the face of adversity. I've survived my middle children (with the help of my oldest) and I think we had fun...

Thiele took the oldest and youngest boys and jetted off for the big city to surprise one of our besties. I, admitting my limits, enlisted the help of my best friend who graciously flew across the country for the assist. In true Jonathan fashion I packed as much as was humanly possible into our weekend (many would say too much). 

Friday night we grocery shopped, grilled and had a raging bonfire (with Reese smores of course). The kids were hilarious and we laughed a lot which turned out to be a theme for most of the weekend. On Saturday we ventured into our "big city" and hit all the hip hoods. Beltline art viewing, park hopping and of course Jake's ice cream. To top off the weekend we woke up early Sunday for church then hiked the start of the Appalachian trail before calling it a wrap. 

And then today came and the crazy let loose. My bestie had to go and I had to wrangle the three alone. Did I mention I have two of my MIDDLE children (sorry Leah Generous I don't mean offense but...)? It has been a day and the waves of exhaustion keep rolling over all of us. Finally tonight a much needed return to laughter. 

We set out to get Lyvi Lou to dance at 5:45pm with my fourth cup of coffee in hand (yes four! Sorry I'm not sorry). After dropping her off we headed to the park to expel some crazy. In a moment of determination I slammed myself into a slide head first. I was trying desperately to make up for the lousy day we'd all had, trying to impress and get a smile. It smacked the sense right into me and the laughter came flooding back. I'd let my exhaustion keep me from the joy that was right there in front of me, my kiddos. There are so many choices in the day to day and I need to continually choose family. It takes effort but pays the greatest dividends. Thankful for a wake up call before the week gets away from me. 

In other news check out the aftermath...

A lesson in humility!

She holds my heart!

When you've known someone over half your life there are bound to be memories. Stories so plentiful that outsiders can't possibly keep up. I first met Thiele when we were twelve at a family cookie party up north. We were both dorky and shy and mostly dorky but there was immediate interest nonetheless. I remember the next year we sat in a snowbank for quite some time talking and awkwardly waiting for the other to offer a first kiss...

Flash forward to present day and we're celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary (holy smokes)! Yes 9th! If I'm honest it feels like much longer but I think that's just because of how much life we've packed into these last nine years. In 9 years we've moved 11 times, had 5 kids, lived in 3 states, traveled, rested and made so many memories my blog can't possible contain the details. Plus there is all of our history before we were "official". It has been a journey and we've been each other's biggest encourager. I can't imagine how I could've survived the mental trauma of that many moves without the world's best packer. 

Thiele believes in me. Every day I know if everything went off the deep end and failure was all I had, it wouldn't be all I had. Thiele would still be cheering me on, advocating for me and loving me despite my failure. She has always seen the best in me and diligently spoke truth to call me to live out the best I can offer to the world. Beyond her encouragement she offers me constant peace in a land that offers everything but. We're the best of friends!

At just shy of a decade we've endured a lot of "real" life. We've seen dreams come to life and prayers answered but we've also endured deep hurt together and loss but thankfully also forgiveness. We're far from the same people we were last year let alone nine years ago. It doesn't always look like it but I know we're getting better. We're being made new. 

There isn't anyone in the world who knows me the way Thiele does. No one who can see past the show and cut to the heart. I'm so thankful for her love and our constant adventures. I love you so much Thiele Rachel. Forever a T.R.E.E. hugger! 

A patchwork of faithfulness

One of the many reasons I love flying is how it highlights Jesus presence. As soon as the nose of the plane lifts up off the ground everything below rapidly decreases in size and significance. A new vantage point reveals itself from the air and I realize how little I am and how infinite my creator is. In these moments I'm reminded of the truly important facets of life; faith, family, adventure. 

This morning when we reached our cruising altitude I was quickly reminded of the changing seasons. The cabin temperature felt arctic in comparison to the last few trips (which is likely in part to the fact that I'm a southern gentlemen now and my blood is #THIN). Although the temperature kept me from sleeping it reminded me my favorite season was here! I love when the leaves reveal their hidden colors in a period of undeniable transition. Especially this year I find myself relating to the trees and embracing a similar transition. 

We've ventured across the country and found ourselves grasping for our previous norms. While we love to say that change makes us better I think embracing change and trusting what's today is much easier said than done. Nevertheless some of the most rewarding things emerge from the most difficult. In the midst of so many changes it has been unbelievably refreshing to see that his care for us is constant. Recently, we've found a community of followers that have been an absolute encouragement for our hearts. I'm amazed at how he's crafted together a patchwork of relationships for each of us in such a short time. Flying above the clouds and seeing all that he's been thoughtful to create I know his faithfulness is unwavering and his loving pursuit of our hearts unending. 

The last three years have been a long road for our family and often my faith has felt dormant. A distant memory of what I once had lurked and teased. Unwilling to accept the dynamic ebb and flow of our relationship I felt abandoned. I've been too proud to rely on him and wasted time proving I could do everything on my own. Yet in his kindness and love for me he continues to take care of every detail of my life. He provides for us in ways we can't describe and he keeps showing up. In new and old relationships, when I'm outside, and as I float above the clouds I know that he's in it for the long haul and so am I. So reflecting on life I have to admit that there are things I need to let go. 

If you garden (I pretend to), you're aware that fall is the best time to prune back trees and shrubs so that new growth can take place in the spring. I'm hoping to remain humble and respond to the pruning that needs to take place in my own life, trusting that he has promised new life in return and he's faithful to deliver on his promises. 

Sunrise September

Groggy and nestled deep in the comforter, hiding from the crisp cool air streaming in through the window of our bedroom, the first alarm sounds. The beauty of a fall morning is always the internal battle between the warmth of one's bed and the chill of the air. My bed always wins the first round and so I wander between awake and asleep until the snooze times out. 

I love the early mornings, especially in the fall, for the quiet and rest they give to my soul. Time to make coffee and sit outside in a hoodie before the little scampering feet come searching for food. On this morning as I realize another month is half way over I cannot believe the pace at which we're all moving. In the last five years the amount of transition has been daunting and here we are again entering into another shift, another transition, another year. So this morning I've been looking back, considering all the ways we've been cared for and all the potential disasters we've avoided. 

There has been a significant amount of heartbreak and yet we're all still trucking along, TOGETHER! Where I've lacked the courage to lead well, there has been grace and care for our family. In the moments of crisis there has been hope for what's coming and love for the times in between. It has been some of the most challenging years of our lives. We've stumbled, we've bruised each other we've fought. We've encouraged, we've cheered, and we've forgiven. The moment when we realize there's more is a moment when we can continue on in the midst of hurt and there has certainly been hurt. I'm not proud of how I've led our family but I am confident that where I misstep our dad steps in and meets our every need. 

So here I am, in shorts and a hoodie, reclining on the deck drinking coffee and thanking God for holding us together. For fighting on our behalf and loving us so well. He truly cares for us and keeps us. "Humble yourselves therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you" 1 Peter 5:6-7. 

Stepping into a new season (sorry Thiele) can be overwhelming but he's giving us courage to press on, to love well and to live with purpose. I don't know what the coming months hold for us but I know he's walking with us and for that I'm so grateful. 

The Stoop

I find myself sleeping on a blow up mattress hovering over the exact spot where he used to cut my hair. Where we used to share secrets and laugh about the little things. Where we spilled out our hearts and planned for the adventures of tomorrow. It was exactly in this spot where we continued to invest in each other week in and week out. We bore our truest selves and our hearts were bound together. In this very place my life was changed and set into motion. He believed in me and through his investment in my life I learned to believe in myself and knew that God was writing an unbelievable story. 

On the stoop outside his place we'd meet and watch the people pass by. I lived only a stones throw down the block so I literally passed by everyday for over a year and more often than not also stopped by. He was one of the first people I'd ever met who acted more in my interest than his own. He cared for me and beyond that for my family. He loved us and he sought to serve us. He was wise beyond his years and a true example of living life as it was intended. 

He always spoke of what life would be like when we went home and how right now, right here, we were learning how to live like we would for all of eternity. Speaking of what life would be like with dad and all the crazy adventures we would have. He didn't have sight only for this moment but for how this moment was drawing us into the eternal. His heart was a deep spring that hinted frequently at the love of our father and the mystical and incredible story he has been weaving throughout the centuries of time. 

Flash forward to this moment and the memories of joy seem painful. There is a sting so severe I cannot describe. I can hear his voice, remember his stories, hear his laugh, see his smile and recall his vulnerable heart but I know I can't be with him. He can't cut my hair in this very spot. He can't laugh with me and we can't swap stories from the day. We won't be together again until I'm called home and that reality is painful to a degree I cannot explain. Having spent the last few years pursuing a long distance friendship where we didn't talk nearly often enough I find myself in complete denial. Waiting anxiously for him to text me or leave me a voicemail and tell me he loves me. I'm desperate to hear his voice, not a recording but an actual conversation. I feel like I can't move on. As if I will be spending every morning anxiously scrolling through pictures, watching videos and reading through old emails. I feel a sadness that is hard to describe. 

Tomorrow my best friend, the one who knows me and loves me, will be celebrated for a life that is truly unparalleled. For a love that cannot be denied and for reminding so many people that their story was part of the biggest redemption story in all the world. He loved like no one I've ever encountered and I'll miss him until the day we're together again. I'm jealous that you're dancing your socks off and no doubt strumming a fancy guitar with our dad while I'm enduring this great loss but it's all the little ways you pointed me toward the big picture that remind me we will be together again and I must press on. I feel like John's description of life after Brent fell. But when we're together again we will laugh, and you can cut my hair, and we can sit together on the stoop and remember what an incredible story Jesus told and he'll be there too and we will laugh and rejoice and our worries will be no more. Thank you for pointing me home Kyle Flanner. You're the truest friend and our dad used you to shape my heart in a way that has caused a ripple effect in my life and so many others. I'm so far from perfect and I mess up seemingly a hundred times a day but I'm part of the greatest redemption story of all time and you taught me that truth. You revealed it to me in the day to day and modeled it in your approach to life. I'm forever grateful for you and will carry the lessons you taught me until we meet again. Until we're together and we can reminisce. I love you my dear friend. 

Morning nostalgia...

In the last few days I've spent more time outside moving than I have in a long time. It's weird when something very familiar becomes distant and then you begin to recondition or relearn how to do it. It's the last year of my twenties so I'm an obnoxious amount of nostalgic and oh what a ride it has been. 

My late teens were so destructive and setup the start of this last decade with hardship. At the time I thought it was the absolute best of times and I wanted it to go on forever. In my careless pursuit of self I indulged in too many things to list and trying to get my pain to subside I went also to food. If you knew me when I was twenty you know how bad that spiraled (go ahead a Facebook my oversized twin). 

Two months into my twentieth year of life I found out my girl friend of the time was expecting and we panicked. It was my biggest fear. How do you possibly know how to step up to something like that? It felt so impossible. Still I knew that there was no turning away from this level of responsibility. Thiele and I pressed in and decided we would let it shape us and let God mold us. 

If you have kids then you know the feeling you get when you first meet them. I can still see the look on Lyvi-Lou's face when she came barreling into our lives in the overnight hours just days before Christmas. She was perfect. You learn what unconditional love is when you have kids because it's not a love you choose. You learn how great Jesus love is for you and it reshapes your perspective. We were nineteen and twenty and we had no idea how this would work out. We came together and little by little we started living our lives differently. 

I experienced a healing I had never known. Alyvia saved me. She turned everything upside down but through her God rescued me from the destruction that was running rampant. Before she was six months we moved to Chicago and began to let our story unfold. I went from marathon eating McDonalds and binge drinking to running a marathon and having babies (lots of babies). 

Every year since I've learned something new but I continue to be amazed by the power of family. Now that the kids are getting older we're getting to experience a different kind of relationship and while it's testing it's incredible too! And so while I was out trying not to let my dad bod run rampant all of these feels came seeping through my heart. It's been an emotionally refreshing morning and it's not even 8am...

Paddle board Yoga

It's been a few days but I can't stop thinking about my first paddle board experience. On Sunday, Thiele and I ventured out with some friends to do paddle board yoga. Yes, paddle board yoga. First, we stopped at a little tiki bar on the lake and ate fried food with beer so clearly we thought everything through. When we arrived at the launch point our instructor asked if we had any water we wanted to bring. Appearing macho we said "water, I don't think we'll need any water". We were on a lake after all...

Our adventure started off as you'd expect, signing waivers and listening to safety instructions, boring! After the lecture finished we had to walk our board out into the lake (like a surfer) then climb aboard and get a bit offshore before standing up. Our course began in the largest open section of Lake Lanier so needless to say there was a touch of chop on the water. Having grown up around water and water sports I thought "ah it's relatively flat". I made it to the standing position proudly and pressed forward. 

I learned quickly that boaters find it quite funny to intentionally create waves for those of us on paddle boards. I did NOT survive the first round of boat waves but instead gracefully flew into the water and shot my board like a torpedo into my wife. Somehow she survived the collision. There was one other fall and then I began to get the feeling of stability. 

At this point we were on our way toward the two mile point where we would stop and do some yoga. Thiele and I are competitive, almost to a fault, so we found ourselves about 100 yards ahead of our pack. It was so good to get some alone time with her on the open water. Whenever we can get into nature alone I feel like it's a cleansing moment for our souls and the lake couldn't have been more inviting. The sun was tapering off into the western sky and the temperature had cooled down. It was just us, our boards, and the instigating boaters. It was perfect. 

After we all reached a little cove around the two mile mark the namaste stuff started to happen. I've done yoga but never on a floating board in the middle of a lake. I must say that everyone needs to experience it at least once in their lives. It's exceptional. There's always a struggle for balance in yoga but it's magnified on water. It's the one kind of yoga where I think laughing is encouraged. At one point I looked up to see my bride in full position but unaware that she had drifted and was about to go under a dock! For reasons such as these I believe laughing is permitted and because laughing also cleanses the soul. We all engaged the best we could in various poses then set back toward the park. 

On the way back I didn't want the trip to end so I slowly started letting myself fall toward the outskirts of the group. Looking in every direction and soaking it all in. It's amazing how quickly the human body can adjust to surroundings and how muscles learn different ways of functioning. When we reached the open water and the chop it didn't faze any of us. We had learned to stay standing even in the wake of speed boats. It was a feeling of victory and reminder of our ability to conquer challenges. Dad spoke to me and gently reminded me of the strength he has given each of us. 

We finally made it back having survived a four mile paddle and yoga! The sun had disappeared below the tree line and the cicadas were singing their tune. Thiele and I cruised home, laughing and recounting our last few hours. It was refreshing, uniting and healing. Another reminder that every day were being made new. 

Taking risks and learning to love adventure!

Yesterday we woke up and rushed around town to drop off Amelia and Azariah before meeting up with the cousins for a day on the open water. In the south school starts a month earlier than what we're accustomed to so we wanted the kids to have a last hoorah before they have to hit the books. After dropping off the littler ones we headed north (25 whole minutes) to set off on an adventure. 

4 adults, 6 kids and the endless possibilities of a pontoon boat. Growing up in Michigan we have the best memories of the water. We've been privileged to explore on the big lake, the bay and all of the smaller inland lakes and tubing is one of our favorite water sports. As we set off through the no wake zone the kids buzzed around the boat with excitement, eagerly anticipating the adventure. We continued out of the no wake zone and into the gorgeous turquoise water of Lake Lanier. 

Once we'd tested the speed of the pontoon we took volunteers for the first tuber. I loved seeing Alyvia's hand shoot up like a rocket as she exclaimed she would love to try it out. It amazes me how fearless the heart of a child is from the beginning. She had never been tubing and yet she was willing, even excited, to put her little life in a tube and hang by a rope off into the deep lake water. Her wish came true and she led the team with the first ride. 

Her smile, before and after her first tubing experience, exclaimed her delight in the opportunity to explore out on her own. You could sense the feeling of accomplishment she had and I knew she learned a valuable lesson. She learned that she has what it takes to take chances and to move regardless of risk. As her dad I hope that we can continue to reaffirm this and that she will press into experiences and relationships that have an element of risk. I also hope that she will learn that in those times she doesn't have to rely on her own strength to get through. I hope she finds that there is someone that would love to step in and walk alongside her on the journey. 

We continued on our wild adventure with tubing and finding our own private island for lunch and exploration. All the kids launched themselves into the deep blue water and swam into the shore to experience what was waiting for them there. They laughed and splashed and dunked. It reminded me of the many fond memories I have with my cousins on the water. All around the Detroit metro area swimming, in what as an adult may be suspect water, with my family. Also tubing around the lake in East Waterboro and hoping not to get duck rash with my Maine family. I can still remember so many of the ridiculous things we did and the special memories we made together. I love that my kids are getting the opportunity to make their own special memories with their cousins. Through exploration in the wild I believe they are learning critical life lessons. They are learning how big creation is and with that how incredibly diverse. They are also learning that they've been invited to explore and that they don't have to fear. Some of the most important learnings have been how to build meaningful relationships, how to resolve conflict, and how to put others desires ahead of their own. 

It was a great day to be on the lake. In every direction it appeared as if the lake was only ours (one of the serious benefits to going on a Monday) and the weather couldn't have been better. Yesterday at the lake was like a gift to me. A little gem I found that I hope to treasure into the future. It was life giving and also sun burn giving. We had a blast!

32 days 16 hours and 14 minutes...

It's official! We've been settled (settling) into our new home for over a month! In some respects it seems like we just arrived (Does unpacking ever end?) and others like we've been here for years. I suppose the latter is the benefit of having lived here once before. It amazes me how the brain stores and recalls information (like the precise location of my favorite bagel place EVERY Sunday) and how quickly it can readjust to surroundings. 

Whenever we first move into a new place, which has happened eleven times since we were married, there are the awkward moments of not being able to locate the appropriate switch to turn on/off lights, continually pulling out the wrong drawer for a spoon, and stubbing your toe on some piece of furniture. Yet here I am just over a month in and I can turn the lights off, I found a spoon (very important since ice cream consumption is serious in the south) and I haven't stubbed my toe in weeks. It feels like familiarity and to me that feels like home. 

Although there have been so many transitions; from biking to work to walking five feet, from the mid 60's to the mid 90's, from constant noise to constant animal noises, and shrimp n grits (go to Milton House). It's been renewing to see God show up in the midst of the chaos and reaffirm us. It hasn't been easy to let go of some of our favorite pieces of city life but we've been reminded of a longer term vision and the place this chapter holds in the grand scheme. A routine is forming. 

One of my favorite times of the day is the early morning as I sneak out onto the deck and watch the sherbet sun peek through the forest behind the house. The birds chirping constantly and the crisp morning air before the heat takes off. It has been the perfect place to find my footing before the day is underway and prepare for the journey ahead.