Shock and awe

For the first time since Saturday this morning had a feeling of normality. My face wasn't glued to the pillow, there weren't any children awake in the six o'clock hour and there was some trace of pep in my step!

I remember the good ole days when fall back meant an extra hour of sleep or an extra hour out on the town. As a father of almost five daylight savings time has morphed from a high to a low. Growing up in Michigan, on the far western edge of the time zone, the patterns of sunrise and sunset are very different than Chicago. Settled in the opposite geographical position of the central time zone the sun rises very early and likewise sets rather early. While papa bear can sleep in almost any condition, it appears my children are not as versatile. 

Until today every morning has begun painfully early, often in the five o'clock hour. Alyvia exclaimed Tuesday "I've been awake in my room since my clock read 5:42. The sun was already coming up"! (If only my son would've got the stay in your room memo) Almost boasting and of course with a smile she was excited to see the sun. Call me the grinch but I'd much rather meet the sun around 7:00 for a casual breakfast. 

Not only have the kiddos been rising at an unpreferable hour but we've also lost our evenings. I must say the sunsets from the west side of the office are breathtaking but notice I said from my office. Leaving work after the sunset and venturing out into a dark abyss is for the birds. The shock (and sleep deprivation) of daylight savings time is a constant reminder that six months of arctic tundra is just around the corner. 

While the shock and awe has been unwelcome to say the least. I'm so thankful for a morning like this. Sleeping kids who wake well rested and seem like themselves. Laughing with them while we eat delicious blueberry waffles (thanks Thiele) and encouraging one another as we go off to seize the day. This morning is a welcome one. 

2nd Day Struggle

Yesterday began a running adventure with my good friend. As the onset of old age seeks to cripple our natural abilities we thought it best to prioritize our health and beginning running four times a week. To protect our family responsibilities we've decided on 5:30am. If you haven't been up at that hour in a while I assure you it looks like 12am or 3am and by that I mean it is pitch black. Yesterday my first comment was "do the street lights look brighter than usual"?

And so we were off and it was incredible. We ventured to the lake and marveled at the way the darkness became greater over the abyss. The stark contrast between true darkness and "darkness" that exists in a city of 3 million people and countless lights. As with many new beginnings the run was joyful. It brought a sense of hope and a feeling of possibility. We can defy old age I thought to myself. 

Flash forward to 5:28am this morning when my alarm went off (notice I won't give up more sleep than absolutely necessary) and it felt like someone was lying on top of me. The weight of exhaustion or transition resting hard upon my physical body. The thoughts start churning; maybe we can meet tomorrow, what excuse can I give, do I even care if my body depletes? And so seeming like a punishment I find the strength to lift myself out of bed. I contemplated simply going in my pajamas to lessen the required effort but decided I didn't want to harm any of my neighbors who may catch a glimpse (always thoughtful). 

All in all the run was a success. As in I completed it and am alive to tell this tale. My pace wasn't even remotely close to day one but I did finish. While I now feel refreshed and rejuvenated, I woke without any desire to move let alone run. What happened to my passion for defying old age? Where did my perseverance run away to? Questions like these make me wonder why is the second day always a struggle? Or is it just me?

What day is it?

Is it really only Thursday? When the days are so full of life it can be hard to keep track of time. On one hand it feels like it's moving at a pace I can't keep up but on the other I find myself thinking "is it really only Thursday?" 

Monday was one of those days where my eyelids seemed as though they'd gained thirty pounds each (thank God that didn't actually happen). Between waking up with the oldest at 4am and having been up a few times before with some of the other kids, I was struggling to not pass out a my desk. I can hear the water cooler gossip now "have you walked through engagement services? Jonathan is drooling on his computer". While it was a temping choice I powered through the day and like a senior citizen was in bed promptly at 9pm. 

Prior to bed we received a call from our family doctor. Alyvia's initial results came back abnormal with evidence that she is having absence seizures. While it definitely sounds frightening God has really Thiele and I peace. These type of seizures are almost always outgrown and short lived. Typically lasting between 10-30 seconds but capable of happening between 50-100 times a day. Thankfully it doesn't appear that Alyvia is having them frequently. All in all this news was welcome news. The peace that came with it helped me not only get into bed at 9pm but also fall quickly asleep. 

Tuesday came faster than expected as my youngest child decided 5am was rise and shine time. Where do they get their energy? I can drink three cups of coffee and go to bed three minutes later. Any secrets to stay awake (must be legal)? Otherwise a more typical day and thankfully my eyelids lost 15 pounds  each! The evening was a warp speed segment thanks to my packing procrastination. Quickly throwing things in a suitcase and laying out a suit for a 6am flight. Suddenly the realization (and panic) that I had to up and on my way in less than six hours. 

Thankfully my anxiety prepped me to set multiple alarms because I missed the first (sorry to wake you Thiele). Too many people believe business travel is glamorous but I assure you it is more exhausting than glamorous. Get up early, catch a flight, meeting 1, meeting 2, client lunch, meeting 3, meeting 4, client dinner, hotel check in! 17 hours later there are no thoughts just psychosis. 

So this morning I took a break because sleep deprivation my friends is real. It was a beautiful morning to run through NashVegas and soak up the historical sites. A moment to let my mind absorb the healing and resting effects of fresh air. It has been a week to remember and I checked my to phone to confirm it is only Thursday...

Flying high

The anticipation of an early morning flight is less than exhilarating. The panic of knowing you have a hard deadline at 6am often causes unnecessary anxiety. After arriving safely (and on time) to my flight there's the thrill of takeoff. Even though I fly about every other week I still get excited to look out the window. The change of perspective is a welcome one. 

Taking off in the deepest darkness to burst through the layer of clouds reveals the stark contrast of sun shade orange and red. It's a moment you realize how small you are and how big your creator is. The details are so numerous my senses are overwhelmed. And I long for these moments. Moments of clarity and calm. On this morning in particular I'm reminded of Gods consistency and his grandeur. 

Flight for me is one of the many places my father speaks to me. He reveals his majesty to me and speaks to longing of my heart. I am so thankful for his companionship. 

A parenting first...

My oldest daughter came barreling into our lives almost eight years ago. Long before I had even a little no how on the best ways to bring up a child (which had become my biggest role). Throughout the journey Thiele and I have loved so deeply we didn't know it was possible. We've since had three other rugrats and countless nights without much sleep. Did I mention number five is on the way?

Every single day, or even hour, provides countless learning opportunities as little people have a knack for teaching. It's not a traditional classroom by any means but their unique dependence on you requires character traits that must be cultivated. So now after years of raising these beautiful, unique and completely individual personalities I'm struck by another parenting first, the first neurological test. 

As it sounds, this was definitely not a test I anticipated and I really was hoping this wouldn't be the type of parenting first I had to walk through. So many of the parenting firsts are so thrilling; the first step, first word, first time they poop through their clothes in public or on a relative, etc. This definitely does not have the same feeling. With this first my heart is heavy though I know God is already at work. 

A couple months back we started noticing that Alyvia would sometimes zone out for thirty seconds or so then after saying her name three times (think Dorothy's ruby red slippers) come back with "What?". To be honest I thought we had entered a different parenting first, the "I'm done listening to my parents and have my own timetable for conversation" first. Initially we shrugged it off as that but shared it through conversation and when we did family began to agree that she did sometimes seemingly drift away then return. We made an initial appt with our family physician who said it is likely nothing but recommended we see a neurologist. A who? 

This was not a parenting first I wanted to enjoy. Especially since they're making us keep her up until midnight then wake her at four in the morning. So here I sit at 4:44am watching my first born struggle to stay awake as we anticipate a neuro test later this morning. While it is very possible there is nothing to fear I can't help but stare at her fondly wondering what the result will be. Remembering when I first saw her sweet face and understood at a deeper level for the first time how much love the father has for us. Thanking him for what a wonderful family he has brought together and the vivid colorful story is writing at this very moment. 

Enough for now! I want to make more memories so we're off for breakfast at some hole in the wall diner!

Faith as small as a mustard seed

When I desperately wanted to turn around on my drive to Atlanta, exclaiming that it didn't feel right, my best friend Ed told me that change almost never feels right at first. And as I continued to drive and even after I arrived I was sure that everything was wrong. I had created an expectation that once I moved, where cost of living was less and I was better able to provide for my family, life would be easier for me. And as I left behind my friends and the most real life I had ever experienced nothing seemed easy. All of sudden my excitement about the move was replaced with a deep mourning of my soul. I arrived only 728 miles away from Chicago and the life I knew but felt as though I was galaxies away. Without consciously being aware of it, I've spent my first five days comparing everything and everyone to something or someone in Chicago. As my soul longs for and mourns over my life in Chicago I find myself asking will life ever go on outside of Chicago? Will I ever find friends that will become brothers, Will I experience life in community as it was meant to be, will I find someone who can speak hope into my life when it seems absent? It's today that I realize all of these questions come down to one, do I trust that my Father, my creator and sovereign King, is intimately and lovingly involved in my everyday life or not? Throughout my life and in every way possible Jesus has continually shown up, to prove that he was never far, and to prove that his love runs deep for me and my family. Father, you are the only place I have ever found hope and so to you I turn. 1 John 5:20-21 says "And now we live in fellowship with the true God because we live in fellowship with his son, Jesus Christ. He is the only true God, and he is eternal life. Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God's place in your hearts." Jesus, I beg you please don't let my fear or doubt take your place in my heart. You call us by name, gather us at your feet and embrace us with a love that cannot be described. Please don't let my families heart be distracted with worry or anxiety which do not come from you. Focus our memories and hearts on the the faithfulness you've displayed in our lives, all the times you've been there and rescued us, all the times we've seem your promises come true. Father, your work and faithfulness in our lives is far from over, restore us with a new hope. We surrender our lives to you and trust you with our biggest fears. The hope I cling to is in one question, when have you ever let me down? And the answer is never. I trust you and I love you deeply. Continue to lead us on this new journey.

A new adventure begins...

On Tuesday we packed our lives into a moving truck and made the cross country move to Atlanta. I haven't in my adult life felt so broken or cried so unstoppably. As soon as we said our final goodbyes I broke apart into a million pieces and sobbed without ceasing for the next twelve hours. It's been so hard to imagine any kind of quality life happening without the people I've shared so much life with over the past five years. In all my life I never experienced relationships like that before or had brothers who loved me and truly knew me. Our friends had become out truest family. Even now I have to fight back tears when I remember that I can't see them everyday. Jesus, I trust that my life doesn't stop here and that you're gracious to provide new friendships for us here. You're my only hope Father! Please take the next year of our lives and make it rich, fill it with intimacy and growth in our relationship with you. Bond Thiele and my heart together in new ways so that we're able to lead our family well. Jesus, we need you desperately. You're our only hope, our true and loving father. We put our trust in you God. Thank you for all the family we have in Chicago. Because of the hope you offer and that our family there rests on that hope I know the relationships will be sustained. You meant us for relationship and family when you created us and you've been so faithful to see that work out in our lives. Continue to be the lord of our lives. I trust you dad, you've never let me down.