She wears strength on her sleeve

The only sounds in my living room are that of the dishwasher and the howling winds whipping through the trees outside. All seems quiet, peaceful and in its place. Each of the kids are tucked away in their beds sound asleep and even the dog has nothing to say. I'm amazed that I survived an evening on my own with all of the kids. 

Over the last few weeks I've been traveling so frequently I hardly recognize the feeling of my own bed. It's been exhausting for me personally but tonight I realized, in a tangible way, how exhausting it must have been for Thiele. Day in and day out she has powered through alone and endured the crazy that is life with five kids. 

Within five minutes of her departure the noise level had reached a decibel I can't describe. A chain reaction of screaming set off from one child unto the other as they mourned the departure of mommy dearest. Thankfully my eldest one maintained composure so it wasn't a complete horror scene. 

We quickly scrambled to get dinner done and everyone fed before running out the door to get Alyvia to dance class. After dropping her off I thought it would be easiest to stay out since I'd have to pick her up in two hours. In a moment of pure genius (or insanity) I drove toward Target. Why do I always end up at Target? 

On the drive to the store both of the middle kids fell asleep (the painful result of no naps) so I bribed them to come inside with the offer of dessert (take notes, this is real parenting). In case you don't know those under 12 get a free cookie every day, adding to my genius idea. We headed to the hairspray aisle (for Thiele of course) and they were out. In a momentary rage I decided "I hate Target" and left. With another hour and a half until pick up we went to the library. 

As new residents it was thrilling to get a library card (On a side note, why is that? Do people even check out books anymore?). It started off so well, three kids on foot and Adrian safely in the Ergo. How quickly peace turns to chaos. By checkout time Adrian was screaming and my youngest was running around bookshelves laughing. We (I) slunk out the door with our books in hand and headed back to the dance studio. 

After all the bedtime hoopla of tooth brushing, potty and more crying they are all asleep. I'm exhausted; mentally, physically and emotionally. Knowing my limits I am now enjoying a glass of wine celebrating the incredible strength of my wife. 

When we met we were babies and then we became bigger babies and then we had babies. It has been remarkable to see the strength she had inside come outward and the impact it has had on our family and those she meets. Recalling all that I've experienced in four hours doesn't touch her everyday reality and yet you'd never know. Her strength comes from somewhere else and it's evident. I'm so thankful to wake up next to her everyday. 

Cheers to you Thiele Rachel!

That time I had no depth perception...

After 84+ hours alone with three of my five kids they are ALL still breathing. A moment of true victory in the face of adversity. I've survived my middle children (with the help of my oldest) and I think we had fun...

Thiele took the oldest and youngest boys and jetted off for the big city to surprise one of our besties. I, admitting my limits, enlisted the help of my best friend who graciously flew across the country for the assist. In true Jonathan fashion I packed as much as was humanly possible into our weekend (many would say too much). 

Friday night we grocery shopped, grilled and had a raging bonfire (with Reese smores of course). The kids were hilarious and we laughed a lot which turned out to be a theme for most of the weekend. On Saturday we ventured into our "big city" and hit all the hip hoods. Beltline art viewing, park hopping and of course Jake's ice cream. To top off the weekend we woke up early Sunday for church then hiked the start of the Appalachian trail before calling it a wrap. 

And then today came and the crazy let loose. My bestie had to go and I had to wrangle the three alone. Did I mention I have two of my MIDDLE children (sorry Leah Generous I don't mean offense but...)? It has been a day and the waves of exhaustion keep rolling over all of us. Finally tonight a much needed return to laughter. 

We set out to get Lyvi Lou to dance at 5:45pm with my fourth cup of coffee in hand (yes four! Sorry I'm not sorry). After dropping her off we headed to the park to expel some crazy. In a moment of determination I slammed myself into a slide head first. I was trying desperately to make up for the lousy day we'd all had, trying to impress and get a smile. It smacked the sense right into me and the laughter came flooding back. I'd let my exhaustion keep me from the joy that was right there in front of me, my kiddos. There are so many choices in the day to day and I need to continually choose family. It takes effort but pays the greatest dividends. Thankful for a wake up call before the week gets away from me. 

In other news check out the aftermath...

A lesson in humility!

She holds my heart!

When you've known someone over half your life there are bound to be memories. Stories so plentiful that outsiders can't possibly keep up. I first met Thiele when we were twelve at a family cookie party up north. We were both dorky and shy and mostly dorky but there was immediate interest nonetheless. I remember the next year we sat in a snowbank for quite some time talking and awkwardly waiting for the other to offer a first kiss...

Flash forward to present day and we're celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary (holy smokes)! Yes 9th! If I'm honest it feels like much longer but I think that's just because of how much life we've packed into these last nine years. In 9 years we've moved 11 times, had 5 kids, lived in 3 states, traveled, rested and made so many memories my blog can't possible contain the details. Plus there is all of our history before we were "official". It has been a journey and we've been each other's biggest encourager. I can't imagine how I could've survived the mental trauma of that many moves without the world's best packer. 

Thiele believes in me. Every day I know if everything went off the deep end and failure was all I had, it wouldn't be all I had. Thiele would still be cheering me on, advocating for me and loving me despite my failure. She has always seen the best in me and diligently spoke truth to call me to live out the best I can offer to the world. Beyond her encouragement she offers me constant peace in a land that offers everything but. We're the best of friends!

At just shy of a decade we've endured a lot of "real" life. We've seen dreams come to life and prayers answered but we've also endured deep hurt together and loss but thankfully also forgiveness. We're far from the same people we were last year let alone nine years ago. It doesn't always look like it but I know we're getting better. We're being made new. 

There isn't anyone in the world who knows me the way Thiele does. No one who can see past the show and cut to the heart. I'm so thankful for her love and our constant adventures. I love you so much Thiele Rachel. Forever a T.R.E.E. hugger! 

A patchwork of faithfulness

One of the many reasons I love flying is how it highlights Jesus presence. As soon as the nose of the plane lifts up off the ground everything below rapidly decreases in size and significance. A new vantage point reveals itself from the air and I realize how little I am and how infinite my creator is. In these moments I'm reminded of the truly important facets of life; faith, family, adventure. 

This morning when we reached our cruising altitude I was quickly reminded of the changing seasons. The cabin temperature felt arctic in comparison to the last few trips (which is likely in part to the fact that I'm a southern gentlemen now and my blood is #THIN). Although the temperature kept me from sleeping it reminded me my favorite season was here! I love when the leaves reveal their hidden colors in a period of undeniable transition. Especially this year I find myself relating to the trees and embracing a similar transition. 

We've ventured across the country and found ourselves grasping for our previous norms. While we love to say that change makes us better I think embracing change and trusting what's today is much easier said than done. Nevertheless some of the most rewarding things emerge from the most difficult. In the midst of so many changes it has been unbelievably refreshing to see that his care for us is constant. Recently, we've found a community of followers that have been an absolute encouragement for our hearts. I'm amazed at how he's crafted together a patchwork of relationships for each of us in such a short time. Flying above the clouds and seeing all that he's been thoughtful to create I know his faithfulness is unwavering and his loving pursuit of our hearts unending. 

The last three years have been a long road for our family and often my faith has felt dormant. A distant memory of what I once had lurked and teased. Unwilling to accept the dynamic ebb and flow of our relationship I felt abandoned. I've been too proud to rely on him and wasted time proving I could do everything on my own. Yet in his kindness and love for me he continues to take care of every detail of my life. He provides for us in ways we can't describe and he keeps showing up. In new and old relationships, when I'm outside, and as I float above the clouds I know that he's in it for the long haul and so am I. So reflecting on life I have to admit that there are things I need to let go. 

If you garden (I pretend to), you're aware that fall is the best time to prune back trees and shrubs so that new growth can take place in the spring. I'm hoping to remain humble and respond to the pruning that needs to take place in my own life, trusting that he has promised new life in return and he's faithful to deliver on his promises. 

Sunrise September

Groggy and nestled deep in the comforter, hiding from the crisp cool air streaming in through the window of our bedroom, the first alarm sounds. The beauty of a fall morning is always the internal battle between the warmth of one's bed and the chill of the air. My bed always wins the first round and so I wander between awake and asleep until the snooze times out. 

I love the early mornings, especially in the fall, for the quiet and rest they give to my soul. Time to make coffee and sit outside in a hoodie before the little scampering feet come searching for food. On this morning as I realize another month is half way over I cannot believe the pace at which we're all moving. In the last five years the amount of transition has been daunting and here we are again entering into another shift, another transition, another year. So this morning I've been looking back, considering all the ways we've been cared for and all the potential disasters we've avoided. 

There has been a significant amount of heartbreak and yet we're all still trucking along, TOGETHER! Where I've lacked the courage to lead well, there has been grace and care for our family. In the moments of crisis there has been hope for what's coming and love for the times in between. It has been some of the most challenging years of our lives. We've stumbled, we've bruised each other we've fought. We've encouraged, we've cheered, and we've forgiven. The moment when we realize there's more is a moment when we can continue on in the midst of hurt and there has certainly been hurt. I'm not proud of how I've led our family but I am confident that where I misstep our dad steps in and meets our every need. 

So here I am, in shorts and a hoodie, reclining on the deck drinking coffee and thanking God for holding us together. For fighting on our behalf and loving us so well. He truly cares for us and keeps us. "Humble yourselves therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you" 1 Peter 5:6-7. 

Stepping into a new season (sorry Thiele) can be overwhelming but he's giving us courage to press on, to love well and to live with purpose. I don't know what the coming months hold for us but I know he's walking with us and for that I'm so grateful. 

The Stoop

I find myself sleeping on a blow up mattress hovering over the exact spot where he used to cut my hair. Where we used to share secrets and laugh about the little things. Where we spilled out our hearts and planned for the adventures of tomorrow. It was exactly in this spot where we continued to invest in each other week in and week out. We bore our truest selves and our hearts were bound together. In this very place my life was changed and set into motion. He believed in me and through his investment in my life I learned to believe in myself and knew that God was writing an unbelievable story. 

On the stoop outside his place we'd meet and watch the people pass by. I lived only a stones throw down the block so I literally passed by everyday for over a year and more often than not also stopped by. He was one of the first people I'd ever met who acted more in my interest than his own. He cared for me and beyond that for my family. He loved us and he sought to serve us. He was wise beyond his years and a true example of living life as it was intended. 

He always spoke of what life would be like when we went home and how right now, right here, we were learning how to live like we would for all of eternity. Speaking of what life would be like with dad and all the crazy adventures we would have. He didn't have sight only for this moment but for how this moment was drawing us into the eternal. His heart was a deep spring that hinted frequently at the love of our father and the mystical and incredible story he has been weaving throughout the centuries of time. 

Flash forward to this moment and the memories of joy seem painful. There is a sting so severe I cannot describe. I can hear his voice, remember his stories, hear his laugh, see his smile and recall his vulnerable heart but I know I can't be with him. He can't cut my hair in this very spot. He can't laugh with me and we can't swap stories from the day. We won't be together again until I'm called home and that reality is painful to a degree I cannot explain. Having spent the last few years pursuing a long distance friendship where we didn't talk nearly often enough I find myself in complete denial. Waiting anxiously for him to text me or leave me a voicemail and tell me he loves me. I'm desperate to hear his voice, not a recording but an actual conversation. I feel like I can't move on. As if I will be spending every morning anxiously scrolling through pictures, watching videos and reading through old emails. I feel a sadness that is hard to describe. 

Tomorrow my best friend, the one who knows me and loves me, will be celebrated for a life that is truly unparalleled. For a love that cannot be denied and for reminding so many people that their story was part of the biggest redemption story in all the world. He loved like no one I've ever encountered and I'll miss him until the day we're together again. I'm jealous that you're dancing your socks off and no doubt strumming a fancy guitar with our dad while I'm enduring this great loss but it's all the little ways you pointed me toward the big picture that remind me we will be together again and I must press on. I feel like John's description of life after Brent fell. But when we're together again we will laugh, and you can cut my hair, and we can sit together on the stoop and remember what an incredible story Jesus told and he'll be there too and we will laugh and rejoice and our worries will be no more. Thank you for pointing me home Kyle Flanner. You're the truest friend and our dad used you to shape my heart in a way that has caused a ripple effect in my life and so many others. I'm so far from perfect and I mess up seemingly a hundred times a day but I'm part of the greatest redemption story of all time and you taught me that truth. You revealed it to me in the day to day and modeled it in your approach to life. I'm forever grateful for you and will carry the lessons you taught me until we meet again. Until we're together and we can reminisce. I love you my dear friend. 

Morning nostalgia...

In the last few days I've spent more time outside moving than I have in a long time. It's weird when something very familiar becomes distant and then you begin to recondition or relearn how to do it. It's the last year of my twenties so I'm an obnoxious amount of nostalgic and oh what a ride it has been. 

My late teens were so destructive and setup the start of this last decade with hardship. At the time I thought it was the absolute best of times and I wanted it to go on forever. In my careless pursuit of self I indulged in too many things to list and trying to get my pain to subside I went also to food. If you knew me when I was twenty you know how bad that spiraled (go ahead a Facebook my oversized twin). 

Two months into my twentieth year of life I found out my girl friend of the time was expecting and we panicked. It was my biggest fear. How do you possibly know how to step up to something like that? It felt so impossible. Still I knew that there was no turning away from this level of responsibility. Thiele and I pressed in and decided we would let it shape us and let God mold us. 

If you have kids then you know the feeling you get when you first meet them. I can still see the look on Lyvi-Lou's face when she came barreling into our lives in the overnight hours just days before Christmas. She was perfect. You learn what unconditional love is when you have kids because it's not a love you choose. You learn how great Jesus love is for you and it reshapes your perspective. We were nineteen and twenty and we had no idea how this would work out. We came together and little by little we started living our lives differently. 

I experienced a healing I had never known. Alyvia saved me. She turned everything upside down but through her God rescued me from the destruction that was running rampant. Before she was six months we moved to Chicago and began to let our story unfold. I went from marathon eating McDonalds and binge drinking to running a marathon and having babies (lots of babies). 

Every year since I've learned something new but I continue to be amazed by the power of family. Now that the kids are getting older we're getting to experience a different kind of relationship and while it's testing it's incredible too! And so while I was out trying not to let my dad bod run rampant all of these feels came seeping through my heart. It's been an emotionally refreshing morning and it's not even 8am...