Sunrise September

Groggy and nestled deep in the comforter, hiding from the crisp cool air streaming in through the window of our bedroom, the first alarm sounds. The beauty of a fall morning is always the internal battle between the warmth of one's bed and the chill of the air. My bed always wins the first round and so I wander between awake and asleep until the snooze times out. 

I love the early mornings, especially in the fall, for the quiet and rest they give to my soul. Time to make coffee and sit outside in a hoodie before the little scampering feet come searching for food. On this morning as I realize another month is half way over I cannot believe the pace at which we're all moving. In the last five years the amount of transition has been daunting and here we are again entering into another shift, another transition, another year. So this morning I've been looking back, considering all the ways we've been cared for and all the potential disasters we've avoided. 

There has been a significant amount of heartbreak and yet we're all still trucking along, TOGETHER! Where I've lacked the courage to lead well, there has been grace and care for our family. In the moments of crisis there has been hope for what's coming and love for the times in between. It has been some of the most challenging years of our lives. We've stumbled, we've bruised each other we've fought. We've encouraged, we've cheered, and we've forgiven. The moment when we realize there's more is a moment when we can continue on in the midst of hurt and there has certainly been hurt. I'm not proud of how I've led our family but I am confident that where I misstep our dad steps in and meets our every need. 

So here I am, in shorts and a hoodie, reclining on the deck drinking coffee and thanking God for holding us together. For fighting on our behalf and loving us so well. He truly cares for us and keeps us. "Humble yourselves therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you" 1 Peter 5:6-7. 

Stepping into a new season (sorry Thiele) can be overwhelming but he's giving us courage to press on, to love well and to live with purpose. I don't know what the coming months hold for us but I know he's walking with us and for that I'm so grateful. 

The Stoop

I find myself sleeping on a blow up mattress hovering over the exact spot where he used to cut my hair. Where we used to share secrets and laugh about the little things. Where we spilled out our hearts and planned for the adventures of tomorrow. It was exactly in this spot where we continued to invest in each other week in and week out. We bore our truest selves and our hearts were bound together. In this very place my life was changed and set into motion. He believed in me and through his investment in my life I learned to believe in myself and knew that God was writing an unbelievable story. 

On the stoop outside his place we'd meet and watch the people pass by. I lived only a stones throw down the block so I literally passed by everyday for over a year and more often than not also stopped by. He was one of the first people I'd ever met who acted more in my interest than his own. He cared for me and beyond that for my family. He loved us and he sought to serve us. He was wise beyond his years and a true example of living life as it was intended. 

He always spoke of what life would be like when we went home and how right now, right here, we were learning how to live like we would for all of eternity. Speaking of what life would be like with dad and all the crazy adventures we would have. He didn't have sight only for this moment but for how this moment was drawing us into the eternal. His heart was a deep spring that hinted frequently at the love of our father and the mystical and incredible story he has been weaving throughout the centuries of time. 

Flash forward to this moment and the memories of joy seem painful. There is a sting so severe I cannot describe. I can hear his voice, remember his stories, hear his laugh, see his smile and recall his vulnerable heart but I know I can't be with him. He can't cut my hair in this very spot. He can't laugh with me and we can't swap stories from the day. We won't be together again until I'm called home and that reality is painful to a degree I cannot explain. Having spent the last few years pursuing a long distance friendship where we didn't talk nearly often enough I find myself in complete denial. Waiting anxiously for him to text me or leave me a voicemail and tell me he loves me. I'm desperate to hear his voice, not a recording but an actual conversation. I feel like I can't move on. As if I will be spending every morning anxiously scrolling through pictures, watching videos and reading through old emails. I feel a sadness that is hard to describe. 

Tomorrow my best friend, the one who knows me and loves me, will be celebrated for a life that is truly unparalleled. For a love that cannot be denied and for reminding so many people that their story was part of the biggest redemption story in all the world. He loved like no one I've ever encountered and I'll miss him until the day we're together again. I'm jealous that you're dancing your socks off and no doubt strumming a fancy guitar with our dad while I'm enduring this great loss but it's all the little ways you pointed me toward the big picture that remind me we will be together again and I must press on. I feel like John's description of life after Brent fell. But when we're together again we will laugh, and you can cut my hair, and we can sit together on the stoop and remember what an incredible story Jesus told and he'll be there too and we will laugh and rejoice and our worries will be no more. Thank you for pointing me home Kyle Flanner. You're the truest friend and our dad used you to shape my heart in a way that has caused a ripple effect in my life and so many others. I'm so far from perfect and I mess up seemingly a hundred times a day but I'm part of the greatest redemption story of all time and you taught me that truth. You revealed it to me in the day to day and modeled it in your approach to life. I'm forever grateful for you and will carry the lessons you taught me until we meet again. Until we're together and we can reminisce. I love you my dear friend. 

Morning nostalgia...

In the last few days I've spent more time outside moving than I have in a long time. It's weird when something very familiar becomes distant and then you begin to recondition or relearn how to do it. It's the last year of my twenties so I'm an obnoxious amount of nostalgic and oh what a ride it has been. 

My late teens were so destructive and setup the start of this last decade with hardship. At the time I thought it was the absolute best of times and I wanted it to go on forever. In my careless pursuit of self I indulged in too many things to list and trying to get my pain to subside I went also to food. If you knew me when I was twenty you know how bad that spiraled (go ahead a Facebook my oversized twin). 

Two months into my twentieth year of life I found out my girl friend of the time was expecting and we panicked. It was my biggest fear. How do you possibly know how to step up to something like that? It felt so impossible. Still I knew that there was no turning away from this level of responsibility. Thiele and I pressed in and decided we would let it shape us and let God mold us. 

If you have kids then you know the feeling you get when you first meet them. I can still see the look on Lyvi-Lou's face when she came barreling into our lives in the overnight hours just days before Christmas. She was perfect. You learn what unconditional love is when you have kids because it's not a love you choose. You learn how great Jesus love is for you and it reshapes your perspective. We were nineteen and twenty and we had no idea how this would work out. We came together and little by little we started living our lives differently. 

I experienced a healing I had never known. Alyvia saved me. She turned everything upside down but through her God rescued me from the destruction that was running rampant. Before she was six months we moved to Chicago and began to let our story unfold. I went from marathon eating McDonalds and binge drinking to running a marathon and having babies (lots of babies). 

Every year since I've learned something new but I continue to be amazed by the power of family. Now that the kids are getting older we're getting to experience a different kind of relationship and while it's testing it's incredible too! And so while I was out trying not to let my dad bod run rampant all of these feels came seeping through my heart. It's been an emotionally refreshing morning and it's not even 8am...

Paddle board Yoga

It's been a few days but I can't stop thinking about my first paddle board experience. On Sunday, Thiele and I ventured out with some friends to do paddle board yoga. Yes, paddle board yoga. First, we stopped at a little tiki bar on the lake and ate fried food with beer so clearly we thought everything through. When we arrived at the launch point our instructor asked if we had any water we wanted to bring. Appearing macho we said "water, I don't think we'll need any water". We were on a lake after all...

Our adventure started off as you'd expect, signing waivers and listening to safety instructions, boring! After the lecture finished we had to walk our board out into the lake (like a surfer) then climb aboard and get a bit offshore before standing up. Our course began in the largest open section of Lake Lanier so needless to say there was a touch of chop on the water. Having grown up around water and water sports I thought "ah it's relatively flat". I made it to the standing position proudly and pressed forward. 

I learned quickly that boaters find it quite funny to intentionally create waves for those of us on paddle boards. I did NOT survive the first round of boat waves but instead gracefully flew into the water and shot my board like a torpedo into my wife. Somehow she survived the collision. There was one other fall and then I began to get the feeling of stability. 

At this point we were on our way toward the two mile point where we would stop and do some yoga. Thiele and I are competitive, almost to a fault, so we found ourselves about 100 yards ahead of our pack. It was so good to get some alone time with her on the open water. Whenever we can get into nature alone I feel like it's a cleansing moment for our souls and the lake couldn't have been more inviting. The sun was tapering off into the western sky and the temperature had cooled down. It was just us, our boards, and the instigating boaters. It was perfect. 

After we all reached a little cove around the two mile mark the namaste stuff started to happen. I've done yoga but never on a floating board in the middle of a lake. I must say that everyone needs to experience it at least once in their lives. It's exceptional. There's always a struggle for balance in yoga but it's magnified on water. It's the one kind of yoga where I think laughing is encouraged. At one point I looked up to see my bride in full position but unaware that she had drifted and was about to go under a dock! For reasons such as these I believe laughing is permitted and because laughing also cleanses the soul. We all engaged the best we could in various poses then set back toward the park. 

On the way back I didn't want the trip to end so I slowly started letting myself fall toward the outskirts of the group. Looking in every direction and soaking it all in. It's amazing how quickly the human body can adjust to surroundings and how muscles learn different ways of functioning. When we reached the open water and the chop it didn't faze any of us. We had learned to stay standing even in the wake of speed boats. It was a feeling of victory and reminder of our ability to conquer challenges. Dad spoke to me and gently reminded me of the strength he has given each of us. 

We finally made it back having survived a four mile paddle and yoga! The sun had disappeared below the tree line and the cicadas were singing their tune. Thiele and I cruised home, laughing and recounting our last few hours. It was refreshing, uniting and healing. Another reminder that every day were being made new. 

Taking risks and learning to love adventure!

Yesterday we woke up and rushed around town to drop off Amelia and Azariah before meeting up with the cousins for a day on the open water. In the south school starts a month earlier than what we're accustomed to so we wanted the kids to have a last hoorah before they have to hit the books. After dropping off the littler ones we headed north (25 whole minutes) to set off on an adventure. 

4 adults, 6 kids and the endless possibilities of a pontoon boat. Growing up in Michigan we have the best memories of the water. We've been privileged to explore on the big lake, the bay and all of the smaller inland lakes and tubing is one of our favorite water sports. As we set off through the no wake zone the kids buzzed around the boat with excitement, eagerly anticipating the adventure. We continued out of the no wake zone and into the gorgeous turquoise water of Lake Lanier. 

Once we'd tested the speed of the pontoon we took volunteers for the first tuber. I loved seeing Alyvia's hand shoot up like a rocket as she exclaimed she would love to try it out. It amazes me how fearless the heart of a child is from the beginning. She had never been tubing and yet she was willing, even excited, to put her little life in a tube and hang by a rope off into the deep lake water. Her wish came true and she led the team with the first ride. 

Her smile, before and after her first tubing experience, exclaimed her delight in the opportunity to explore out on her own. You could sense the feeling of accomplishment she had and I knew she learned a valuable lesson. She learned that she has what it takes to take chances and to move regardless of risk. As her dad I hope that we can continue to reaffirm this and that she will press into experiences and relationships that have an element of risk. I also hope that she will learn that in those times she doesn't have to rely on her own strength to get through. I hope she finds that there is someone that would love to step in and walk alongside her on the journey. 

We continued on our wild adventure with tubing and finding our own private island for lunch and exploration. All the kids launched themselves into the deep blue water and swam into the shore to experience what was waiting for them there. They laughed and splashed and dunked. It reminded me of the many fond memories I have with my cousins on the water. All around the Detroit metro area swimming, in what as an adult may be suspect water, with my family. Also tubing around the lake in East Waterboro and hoping not to get duck rash with my Maine family. I can still remember so many of the ridiculous things we did and the special memories we made together. I love that my kids are getting the opportunity to make their own special memories with their cousins. Through exploration in the wild I believe they are learning critical life lessons. They are learning how big creation is and with that how incredibly diverse. They are also learning that they've been invited to explore and that they don't have to fear. Some of the most important learnings have been how to build meaningful relationships, how to resolve conflict, and how to put others desires ahead of their own. 

It was a great day to be on the lake. In every direction it appeared as if the lake was only ours (one of the serious benefits to going on a Monday) and the weather couldn't have been better. Yesterday at the lake was like a gift to me. A little gem I found that I hope to treasure into the future. It was life giving and also sun burn giving. We had a blast!

32 days 16 hours and 14 minutes...

It's official! We've been settled (settling) into our new home for over a month! In some respects it seems like we just arrived (Does unpacking ever end?) and others like we've been here for years. I suppose the latter is the benefit of having lived here once before. It amazes me how the brain stores and recalls information (like the precise location of my favorite bagel place EVERY Sunday) and how quickly it can readjust to surroundings. 

Whenever we first move into a new place, which has happened eleven times since we were married, there are the awkward moments of not being able to locate the appropriate switch to turn on/off lights, continually pulling out the wrong drawer for a spoon, and stubbing your toe on some piece of furniture. Yet here I am just over a month in and I can turn the lights off, I found a spoon (very important since ice cream consumption is serious in the south) and I haven't stubbed my toe in weeks. It feels like familiarity and to me that feels like home. 

Although there have been so many transitions; from biking to work to walking five feet, from the mid 60's to the mid 90's, from constant noise to constant animal noises, and shrimp n grits (go to Milton House). It's been renewing to see God show up in the midst of the chaos and reaffirm us. It hasn't been easy to let go of some of our favorite pieces of city life but we've been reminded of a longer term vision and the place this chapter holds in the grand scheme. A routine is forming. 

One of my favorite times of the day is the early morning as I sneak out onto the deck and watch the sherbet sun peek through the forest behind the house. The birds chirping constantly and the crisp morning air before the heat takes off. It has been the perfect place to find my footing before the day is underway and prepare for the journey ahead. 

Inside Jokes

Last night I asked Alyvia if she wanted to go for a special time away with me and she immediately exclaimed "Yes"! When I told her I wanted to take her for a sunset hike up Sawnee Mountain she then said "Oh, actually I'm going to stay with mom". I'd be lying if I said I completely understood as I really wanted to take her.  With mild disappointment I started to tuck in the rest of the gang one by one. For some of the kids, one in particular, it was a serious fight to keep them in their room and the tantrum was memorable...

After I got them all to sleep I came back downstairs and Alyvia said "Dad, I'm ready to go. Meet me upstairs". A bit frazzled from the bedtime havoc I slowly processed her change of heart, grabbed my belongings and jumped in the car. By this point it was 8:11pm and I knew the sun was due to set at 8:46pm so we raced in our giant rental car to the base of the Sawnee Mountain Preserve. 

Once we arrived we filled our water bottle with haste and set off toward the top. We were moving at a pretty incredible pace for an eight year old, even passing a few couples along the way. When we rounded the last switchback about 600 feet from the cliff I heard someone yelling it's about to set and I glanced at my phone to check the time. It was 8:45pm and I yelled "Alyvia, run we're going to miss it"! We took off and sprinted the last six hundred feet to catch one of the most incredible sunsets I've ever seen. The sun was ruby red against a pink and purple sky and it was quickly slipping over the top of the blue ridge mountains in the background. Within seconds of being at the top it vanished beneath the horizon. We panted at the top and enjoyed the splendor of the painting (I did most of the panting). We had the best conversation about the painter and his undeniable faithfulness to provide day in and day out. We were truly amazed by the variations in the sky and we climbed and descended alongside the steep mountain drop off to catch different vantage points. Alyvia was so mesmerized she wanted to see as much as possible and every direction. 

She was also incredibly fearless walking toward the edge on the boulders and scaling down rock walls to get a different view. I was proud of her sense of adventure but also incredibly nervous as she scooted out to the edge to let her feet dangle whenever possible. At one point she said "Dad, you're kind of acting like a scaredy cat. I'm not going to fall or anything". I smiled back at her and told her I trust her but also insisted that she hold my hand...

I realized the immense value of our time together and how much I would treasure this memory. Once it was almost completely dark and there was only one small group left at the top we decided to start the decent. We wandered the trails playing different games and laughing uncontrollably. She taught me how to play one game called true or false which is apparently the same thing as one truth and a lie. I thought it was a great time to tell stories about me and Thiele that she may not know and be creative in the false responses. It was amazing for me to hear her stories and her sense of creativity and to laugh hysterically while we wandered through the dark without a flashlight. Our eyes adjusted and our hearts were delighted. It was truly a time where inside jokes are made and I'm so thankful for that. 

On the way home we sang songs and laughed some more before we arrived home. I hope that she took as much from our time as I did. I was reminded of the value in relationships, the value of adventure and the restoration that laughter brings. I was reminded that a grand a glorious story is being written and the painter is involved in all the little details. It was a night for the books!